I was walking in a crowded shopping mall recently. I had my hands in my pockets and my headsets firmly plugged into my ears. I was walking and swaying with panache, acting just about as cool as a frozen cucumber.
Upon entering one of the retail stores, I tripped on an uneven layer of carpeting, providing me with a very quick reminder of the force of gravity. Fortunately, I did not entirely fall to the floor — but I nearly did.
What I immediately felt afterwards was this tremendous desire to hide. As if there was a blackhole within me that I wanted to dissolve into. All the cool savvy panache quickly turned into a deep yearning to simply ‘poof’ — teleport somewhere else.
“Did anyone see that? Are they laughing at me?” My heart started to race, my ears felt hot all of a sudden, and I was suddenly aware of the thickness of the skin on my face. This feeling — this physiological sensation — is shame, which very often manifests in the form of blushing.
In his 1872 book “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals” Charles Darwin wrote: “Blushing is the most peculiar and the most human of all expressions.” He did not believe that non-human animals are able to blush, because there seems to be an essential cognitive component to the experience of blushing.
What caused me to blush was not the mere physical sensation of nearly face-planting to the ground— that was merely the feeling of fear. Rather than a physical trigger, blushing has much more to do with a trigger in the mind.
“We can cause laughing by tickling the skin, weeping or frowning by a blow, trembling from the fear of pain, and so forth; but we cannot cause a blush by any physical means… It is the mind which must be affected.” — Darwin said.
The cognitive component here is the awareness that other people are separate autonomous entities with sovereignty over their own thoughts. We have an awareness that not only are we free agents with the ability to perceive and comment on the world — but that the world also has the ability to perceive and comment on us.
This capacity to ‘think about what others are thinking’ is what psychologists call Theory of Mind — and as far as we know, only human beings possess this capacity. And it is this capacity that leads to self-consciousness, which is the basis of shame and blushing.
“It is not the simple act of reflecting on our own appearance, but the thinking what others think of us, which excites a blush. In absolute solitude the most sensitive person would be quite indifferent about his appearance.” — Charles Darwin
According to Darwin, women blush more than men, and young people blush more than old people. But infants do not blush at all, most likely because they have not yet developed the psychological capacity for theory of mind.
According to child developmental psychology, children begin to develop a theory of mind at the age of 4 to 5. At that age, they begin to realize that other people have real thoughts and feelings, just as they do. Prior to this age, a child is inherently narcissistic, unaware of the existence of other people’s minds and emotions — hence all the screaming and yelling in the middle of the night.
Weirdly, blushing does not only occur as a response towards negative judgements. It can also occur as a response towards positive judgements.
“…depreciatory remarks or ridicule… causes us to blush much more readily than does praise. But undoubtedly praise and admiration are highly efficient.” — Darwin said.
He cites examples of a female blushing when a man “intently gazes at her, though she may know perfectly well that he is not depreciating her”. The young, the old and the sensitive similarly “blush, when they are much praised.”
What are we to make of this peculiar duality? If embarrassment and blushing are not merely a response to bad judgements — but also good judgements — what does this tell us about this uncomfortable feeling?
We humans are full of paradoxes. Perhaps within our deep desire to be seen and acknowledged is a simultaneous discomfort with attention. The common denominator between the embarrassment you feel after tripping in public and the embarrassment you feel when being intimately gazed by someone — is attention. It is rather awkward when people can intimately see you for who you really are, whether that attention is in the form of scoff or admiration.
My girlfriend occasionally watches me while I eat. Now I know there is no ridicule there, but nevertheless, this positive/caring attention causes the physiological response of blushing, and the psychological response of slight embarrassment. Try having a loving friend, a partner, or a parent intently watch you while you eat, and you’ll see what I mean.
For the unenlightened amongst us, intimacy is intimidating. Or at least very awkward. I’ll never forget someone beautifully redefine to the word intimacy: In — To — Me — See.
Perhaps Darwin was right when he categorized blushing as “the most human of all expressions”. But he also said it was the most “peculiar” one. It is indeed, very peculiar to be human. And there is no shame in that.