It’s rough out there for a black-belt introvert. Small talk has always been the bane of my existence. For the bible-thumping Christians out there, it wouldn’t be such a stretch to consider it as my “cross to bear.”
In a very tangible sense, the art of small talk (just like the martial art of Jiu Jitsu) demands of you a copious level of interpersonal intelligence. An ability to absorb the forces and pressures imposed upon you by your opponent — and to somehow transmute it to your advantage.
In certain moments of my life, being stuck in the middle of an awkward conversation can feel like being trapped in a triangle chokehold — it takes a degree of intelligence and experience to shift and slide your way out of such tricky positions.
But after enduring so many conversational choke-outs, I have come out the other side with some valuable lessons. For all you life-long introverts out there, stop showing off your black-belt in introversion so proudly — nobody cares. Being a Sensei in silence is not valuable to anyone except your own ego. Instead, it would serve you better to arm yourself with certain interpersonal skills, so that you too, can be a Ninja conversationalist.
Listen
To my great surprise, the fundamental tenet of becoming a better conversationalist is not by talking more, but by listening more. I can already hear all the proud introverts reading this saying — “Of course I listen… all I do is listen… I barely talk!” But my thesis is this: if you truly listen consciously, there is almost always something interesting to respond to. It is when you are all in your head — thinking about what to say next — that you miss out on golden moments in conversations.
A nonchalant remark, a random thought, or a seemingly mundane statement from the person you are talking to — provide potentially fertile grounds for verbal flourishment. Those who do not listen proactively will (quite literally) not hear these remarks.
Most people (out of humility) are not aware of how interesting they actually are. And if you listen carefully enough, you will find that most — if not all — people are intriguing. Quirky. And when you listen deeply enough — endlessly fascinating.
Play
I was talking to an 8-year-old boy recently while he was busy playing a game on his iPad. And it struck me just how effortlessly he held court with me during the whole conversation.
“How was your day today?” — he asked. “What’s your business about?”, “What do you sell?”, “Do you like it?” “My dad likes houses too you know… I can introduce you to him if you want.”
On and on he went — one interesting and charming question after another. Imagine what was taking place here: an 8-year-old boy playing on his iPad was leading me — a 32-year-old adult— in an interesting and engaging conversation. How is he doing this? — I thought. This little rugrat was expertly outmaneuvering me in what felt like an intense round of verbal Aikido. He was dominating the whole conversation without the slightest hint of strain or awkwardness.
Upon being verbally knocked-out by a 4-foot 8-year-old, I quickly realized his secret: he did not take the conversation seriously at all. He was being playful and curious — not serious. When it comes to small talk, it helps to be a small child. But if you are no longer a small child — try acting as playfully and as curiously as one.
End Confidently
To truly become the Jackie Chan of chit-chat, it is crucial to recognize that concluding small talk is just as important as initiating and sustaining it. And there is only one way to elegantly end small talk — Clearly and Confidently.
First, let me tell you a story of a horrible way to end small talk. I was in an elevator the other day (or a lift — if you insist). It was just me and two other men — they seem to be office colleagues who were engaging in meaningless small talk. One of them was heading to the 3rd floor, and the other was heading to the 6th floor.
Upon arriving at the 3rd floor (ding!), the person going to the 6th floor should have stopped talking — knowing that his 3rd floor colleague would be heading out in about 4 seconds. But he did not stop talking — he actually asked a brand-new question — as the elevator doors were opening. Needless to say that this became awkward for everyone. The guy going to the 3rd floor had to very quickly provide an answer before the elevator doors closed, and I (a stranger in all of this), have to somehow act invisible and pretend that I am not listening to any of it.
Now this is an example of someone who does not know how and when to confidently end a meaningless conversation. What he should have done was this:
Upon the elevator arriving at the 3rd floor (ding!), he should have quickly ended the conversation and decisively say “Good luck to you. I’ll see you around”, or “Good to see you. Enjoy your day” — and end it right there. Full stop. Quick and clean — like a Mike Tyson knockout punch.
Ending small talk should not be a low and slow process. It should not be apologetic or doubtful. In fact, if the small talk starts to become awkward for both parties, they will be grateful for your confidence and clarity in ending the conversation. It is certainly better than dragging the both of you even deeper into a hole of meaningless meanderings.
Once again — one must do this with great clarity and confidence. When it comes to small talk — just like in any martial arts tournament — you do not need anyone’s permission to end the round.